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Sorry, I Haven’t A Morse Clue!

The second Morse Challenge took place during the Service Of All The Dead meeting at Bray and keeping with last year’s theme (The Weakest Morse Link) of copying well known quiz shows saw a panel of volunteers acting as ‘the antidote to quiz shows’ – yes, it could only be Radio Four’s Sorry I Haven’t A Clue – chaired by Antony Humphrey Lyttelton Richards. The eventual winner by just one audience vote was once again Annika Hagley. Second place was taken by Carnas Carine, who had come all the way from Belgium for the day. Below are some of the answers given in the various rounds to this most serious quiz.

Introduction

“Welcome to Sorry I haven't a Morse Clue which this week comes from the beautiful village of Bray in Berkshire, not to be confused with Bray in County Wicklow just south of Dublin. Both derivations mean the same thing to be sure to be sure. Bray is mentioned in the Doomsday book being recorded as ‘Brai’ which comes from the Old English ‘Breg’, or more commonly used today as a verb by member John White when he calls out ‘get your Big Issue here’ in the centre of town. It also means ‘brow of a hill’. Close by is the town of Maidenhead, or Maidenheed as it was known 1202 (or just past mid-day) and was so called because this is where in ancient times maidens gave ‘heed’ or landed. Today if you walk beside the river in the red light district of Maidenhead you can for a price still see maidens giving heed as of old.

Bray is most famous for the vicar of Bray who was the butt of many Music Hall jokes as trotted out by dubious old comics who should have known better - talking of which lets meet the volunteers along with our scorer, the lady who places her seat on my left hand every week - the lovely Samantha.”

Round 1 – At a time when the cost of producing television programmes has gone up enormously the team should suggest some titles for budget productions for Inspector Morse.

The Way Through The Bushes

Death Is Now My Lodger

The Remorseful Hour

The Secret Of Shed 3

The Dead Of Somewhere Closer To Home Than Jericho

The Slightly Hard Of Hearing World Of Nicholas Quinn

The Minor Misdemeanour Of The Fathers

The Last Bus Terminates Here

Riddle Of The Third Foot

Self Service Of All The Dead

The Jewel That Was Ratners

Round 2 – The team should suggest lines that would never be heard in an Inspector Morse episode.

“Are you quite sure you wouldn’t like anything else from the bar, Inspector, before we close?”

“Oh, please let me buy, it must be my round, Lewis?”

“Of course I can give you an exact time and cause of death, Morse?”

“Well fancy that no free parking spaces in the centre of Oxford?”

“I'm sure that it is quite straight forward and couldn't possibly be murder?”

“Oh no, I won’t have another chocolate biscuit thank you all the same – I’m on a diet you know.”

“Please, just call me Endeavour, everybody does.”

“I wish that alarm bell wasn’t so loud.” (Nicholas Quinn)

Round 3 – If Barrington Pheloung hadn’t written all the music for Inspector Morse maybe the team could suggest some other pieces that would be appropriate?

Dean Martin classic – “Everybody Kills Somebody Sometime”

Frank Sinatra classic – “Stranglers In The Night”

From the ‘Three Penny Opera’ – “Pitt Rivers The Knife”

A tribute to female members of the Cain family by Tom Jones – “Daughters Of Darkness”

Old Music Hall song - “Who Were You With Last Night?”

The theme from “You’re Been Framed”

From ‘My Fair Lady’ – “Wouldn’t It B Robbery”

The Tommy Steal number, “Smash, Grab, Wallop, What A Picture”

“Parole Over Beethoven”

“Please Release Me”

“I Dismember You”

“Here Comes The Bribe”

“Rock Around The Dock”

“’Allo ’Allo. Whose Your Shady Friend?”

“Morning Has Been Broken Into” by Cat Burglar Stevens

“Superintendanttellsoldlaghisalibisatrocious”

Round 4 – If John Thaw hadn’t been cast as Inspector Morse can the team suggest other actors that may have played the part?

Charles Laughton straight out of Mutiny on the Bounty – “It’s murder I tell you, Mr. Lewis. They will all hang for this.”

Jack Regan from The Sweeney – “You bastard, get your trousers on Master of Lonsdale College, you’re nicked.”

Tom Baker after his years in Dr. Who – “This is my TARDIS. Don’t be fooled by the red colour and the fact it looks like a car that has to be pushed onto set. I know it looks small but is much bigger on the inside. It is pre-electric you know and travels through time and space to capture the evil one know as The Master of Lonsdale.”

Tony Blair – “I say to you, Lewis, that this is murder, and that murder is a serious crime, which we at the Thames Valley Police must address in the fullness of time, and so, Lewis, I am recommending that we set up an independent committee so we can be tough on crime, and tough on the causes of crime.”

Round 5 - Banbury Road (Based Upon Mornington Crescent)

“Before the next round I see that a letter has flooded in - and this years letter is from a Mrs. Trellis of North Wales who writes - Dear Mr. Titchmarsh can you arrange to send Tommy, Charlie and the other person who isn’t allowed to talk around to do my garden. Any time before three would be fine as the tide comes in at half past.

We will naturally be using the Oxford Ruling so you may only approach Paddington from the North. You may park on double yellow lines and go up one way streets the wrong way in the city centre. All police stations are wild and if you visit a road with a pub in it you must miss a turn while you buy the second round.”

(For those unfortunate enough not to know the rules of this simple game the object is to get to Banbury Road via the quickest possible route. Some of the rules are given below but for proper guidance you could do a lot better than buy a copy of ‘The Little Book of Mornington Crescent’ by Graeme Garden, Jon Naismith and Ian Pattinson (not to mention Tim Brooke-Taylor, Barry Cryer and Humphrey Lyttelton), Orion Media, 2000. A complete waste of £6.99 if you ask me.)

The opening started according to the Constantine Deployment with a brilliant move to 13 Bloxham Close. The so-called end game began with the first move. This sounds a great deal more complicated than it is. The first move, also known as the opening gambit. le jeu d’engagement, or das erstschlachtschlage, was made by the player to the left of the trackholder (Janet Owen), and play then progressed alternately to the right and left.

Other players may of course interrupt this progression, but only in strict sequence. Incidentally, inexperienced players are often confused by the number of first moves available, and find themselves dithering, which loses points. It is usually safe to begin with a blot above the Thames, and over the years Beaumont Street has proved to be a pretty solid banker.

Once the Primary has been enstaked, and accepted without challenge (McCawdle’s rules), play continues, pet-a-pet, and only ends when one of the players is in a position to bag ‘Banbury Road’ itself.

It is important to mention the offside rule here for without it there would be nothing to prevent a player from declaring ‘Banbury Road’ on his, or her, opening move. If a player moves to such a location that there are less than two occupied bases between the location played and the next, but one Shift Zone, Morton’s Convention being in play, whether the Loop has been vectored from either Diagonal or not, and all other players are out of Nip, then that move is declared under-struck, and therefore void, meaning that a player has no option but to offer a Sheldonian Redress, and be declared out of line and off order, and must miss a turn.

The winning sequence was 13 Bloxham Close - Canal Reach - Beaumont Street - Londsdale Mews - Gloucester Green - Ifley Road - Cowley Road - Woodstock Road (offside rule applied) - Kidlington High Street - Headington Hill - South Parks Road – Banbury Road (via the diagonal). To see just what a brilliant game of strategy this was do consult an A-Z of Oxford which will make it all clear.

Devotees are proud of the fact that Banbury Road, like Mornington Crescent, is one of the few games played with binary scoring. Those unfamiliar with the principles of binary arithmetic are advised to consult the excellent ‘HM Customs & Excise Pamphlet 5867 – Arithmetic Binary, Principles of’ by Knoeppfler and Hoogstratten. Applying a basic rule of thumb, the system can be summarised thus: The winner scores 1, everybody else scores 0.

Round 6 – Often words today have a different meaning from what they did when Colin Dexter was a boy. Maybe the team can suggest some Morse related words which may have changed in meaning over the years. For example a Hebrew is now defined as a male teabag.

Dexter (pronounced ‘Dex stair’) - a chair lift for old murder mystery authors.

Cowley - like Dairy Lee but with real milk and made in Oxford.

Jericho (pronounced with a silent ‘h’) - Oxford based maker of toilets.

Brakspears - Group of people who go around destroying old weapons.

Oxford - a large American car for conveying cattle.

Round 7 – Can the team suggest some titles for a new Hollywood production of Inspector Morse?

Based on the action film ‘Full Metal Jacket’ – ‘Full Metal Tankard’.

Based on the James Bond film ‘Diamonds Are Forever’ – ‘Repeats On UK Gold Are Forever And Ever’.

A remake of the Richard Attenborough classic – ‘Lewis Rock’.

A Sherlock Holmes double bill remake – ‘The Final Pint’ followed by ‘The Empty Pub’.

Based on the Frank Sinatra war film – ‘From Here To The Randolph Bar’.

One for science fiction fans of Morse – ‘Bar Trek, The Movie’.

A Spielberg remake for the Chief Superintendent – ‘Strange Encounters Of The Morse Kind’.

Another Richard Attenborough classic – ‘In Which We Serve After Hours’.

After the classic rock concert – ‘Woodstock, The Murder’.

German war film remake – ‘Das Bus (To Woodstock)’.

Round 8 – Finally will the team please announce the late arrivals at the Policeman’s Ball?

Please will you welcome:

Mr. and Mrs. Inhere, and their son Blowin.

Mr. and Mrs. Torights, and their son Bangedto.

Mr. and Mrs. Bennet have you seen the size of that truncheon in his trousers, and their son Gordon Bennet have you seen the size of that truncheon in his trousers.

Mr. and Mrs. Thistherethen and their son, Whatsall Thistherethen, and their stuttering daughter Hello Hello Whatsall Thistherethen.

All the way from China we have Mr. and Mrs. Panda. They came by car.

All the way from Fairlop in London we have Mr. and Mrs. Governor, and their son Itsa, the Itsa Fairlop Governor.

This year the menus have been typed in conjunction with Tipex, the official police sponsor of all Thames Valley confession statements.

And finally …

And so as the ‘Laa-Laa’ of time plays with the ‘Tinky Winky’ of destiny and the ‘Dipsy’ of fate sits on the ‘Po’ of eternity I see that it is the end of the game - thank you and goodnight!